Matters of the Heart - updated

	B	R	G	N	M	A	S	L	T
Lies	Y	N	Y	N	U	N	N	N	N
Cares about me	Y	U	Y	Y	Y	Y	Y	Y	Y
Works hard	Y	U	T	U	Y	Y	Y	Y	Y
Location	Y	Y	Y	N	N	N	N	N	Y
Educated	Y	Y	S	S	S	S	Y	Y	S
Joe	Y	U	Y	U	U	Y	U	Y	Y
Dependable	Y	U	S	S	U	Y	Y	Y	S
Age	N	N	N	N	Y	Y	Y	Y	N
Scared	Y	Y	N	N	N	N	N	N	N
Angry	Y	N	Y	N	N	Y	N	N	N
Alcohol	R	Y	R	P	R	Y	N	R	R
Drugs	N	U	P	N	N	N	N	N	N
Commitment	Y	U	Y	M	Y	Y	Y	Y	M
Reasonable	Y	U	S	Y	N	U	Y	S	S
Total: 25	19	9	15	19	10	17	20	21	19

I am redoing this based on the one new person I found in my life to see where I'm sitting.

To the family's and friends of RSD & chronic pain patients

written by Keith Orsini
2005

(For those of you who don't have RSD but suffer from any other form of chronic pain (CP) you could probably substitute your disease everywhere you see the letters RSD in this article and share it with your families as well)

Dear Loved Ones;

The other day a friend of mine asked me if I would share with her loved ones the experience of being an RSD patient; what we go through on a daily basis, the struggles we face, and the importance of medications and therapy in our lives. I thought the best way to do this was to share what a typical day in the life of an RSD patient was like.

I myself have had RSD since 1974, over thirty years now. I also have Degenerative Disc Disease, Failed Back Syndrome, Ulnar Nerve Entrapment, and Fibromyalgia so Chronic Pain (CP) and I are old friends. I first developed RSD when I was 14 years old. Over the last 30+ years I have talked to tens of thousands of RSD and other CP patients of all ages and we all experience pretty much the same things with some minor differences.

As an example for those who do care but are unsure what a typical day is for us, I will try to explain. Please don't take this letter as mean-spirited in any way. I know some of it may be hard to read, to actually see some of the words in print, but it is not an attack. Your loved ones just want their voices heard.

Over the years I have actually had people tell me, "Gee, it must be nice to not have to work and just sit home all day". If I thought they were really interested in a reply to that ridiculous statement I would tell them that having RSD and/or other CP Diseases, however severely you have it, is much more work than any full-time job! Plus, we don’t get to call in sick, get vacation days, and our work day is 24 hours long, 7 days a week!

Now understand that quite a few RSD patients (also known as RSDers) and CP patients have other diseases as well as RSD, such as Fibromyalgia, Spinal Stenosis etc., and that some RSDers have RSD in one limb while for others it is more. Some have less movement while others have quite a bit. Some take only a few medications and some take quite a lot.

I myself have taken over 20 pills a day(not different ones, but altogether). Contrary to some people's opinions taking a pile of medications does not make us ""druggies". A "druggie" is someone who takes drugs for recreation. A pain patient is someone who takes medication because he/she has no choice and who probably cannot fathom someone who takes narcotics for "fun and/or recreation“!

There are patients who use different types of machines, have Spinal Column Stimulators, or Pumps installed in their bodies in an attempt to reduce their pain. Some deal with the wheelchair issue as well. Most patients, the lucky ones at least, also do some form of physical therapy such as swimming, weights, or massage, to help them continue to be able to do the basics things like walking and using their hands, feet, and arms.

First, let‘s start with the sleep patterns, or lack-of-sleep patterns to be more accurate. Unlike "normal" people, CP patients are prone to insomnia and do not reach REM sleep; this is the healing sleep our bodies need each day. We either wake often or are in a drug induced sleep. When we do wake, it is often physically painful to actually get up and out of bed. So, why don't we sleep?

It is because RSD cause changes to the Limbic System of the brain. The limbic system is that part of the brain that controls insomnia, short-term memory, concentration, irritability, ability to find the right word when speaking, and much more.

We start our day with medications of course. The first of many such times per day. To "look fine" we take 10 to 30 or more pills a day for various symptoms. Then there are the side effects of those medications to deal with; upset stomach, drowsiness, diarrhea, constipation, headaches, and many others. Many of us also have to fight the "Dry-Eye Syndrome" and must use eye drops two or more times per day.

Understand that these pills do not take all of the pain away. They just enable us to get up, move around, and have some semblance of a "normal" life. They simply allow us to function.

Then many of us head to Physical Therapy such as pool exercise, range of motion therapy, massage therapy, and even acupuncture. For the patients for whom these things work, they are lifesavers. Like the medications they allow us to function, to be a part of our families, to enjoy part of each day, and for some they actually give us a reason to get up in the morning.

These aren't luxuries but necessities for those of us who can physically handle them. There can be month's, even years, when the allodynia is too high to do even these simple things. (Allodynia is when even the lightest touches or sounds cause extreme pain.) Maybe the person sitting next to you at dinner touches your RSD arm, or your foot gets accidentally kicked at the pew at Church, or your leg gets bumped into at school; all these things seem harmless to the average person and they may not understand how they could ever cause pain to an RSD patient, but trust me, they can and do. Some people can even have a slight breeze cause them excruciating pain.

I know what you are thinking, “that is crazy”. No. That is RSD. If you think it’s crazy, and I am telling you from a knowledge background, think how a patient who knows nothing about the disease feels when they start forgetting things, especially when their pain is high? Or when the slightest touch, even the caress of a loved one, the kiss from a spouse, the touch of the sheet on the foot, the tightness of a sock, sometimes even the very breeze itself blowing over the body, can cause such pain to the patient it will bring tears to their eyes. Think of the confusion and terror that brings into their lives.

And when their friend and loved ones sit there, make fun of them and disbelieve them when they try to explain how it causes pain, well, that hurts them even more. When a disconnected Doctor doesn't believe you that is bad enough but when a loved one doesn't believe you it hurts almost as much as the pain. And let me set the record straight here on the pain, there is no pain like the pain of RSD/CRPS. That isn't just from a patient or an advocate, it is documented. RSD pain is ranked higher than any other form of chronic pain known today.

RSD is ranked on the McGill Pain Index as the MOST PAINFUL FORM OF CHRONIC PAIN THAT EXISTS TODAY!

To put that in perspective, you can visit a page we have on the website that shows some other diseases/conditions and their rankings.

McGILL PAIN INDEX http://www.rsdhope.org/ShowPage.asp?page_id=116

As you can see on the scale, Arthritis pain is ranked about a 18, Cancer pain a 24, Chronic Back Pain a 26, and then RSD/CRPS is ranked a whopping 42! The only thing close to RSD pain is the amputation of a finger and thankfully, that is quick, while RSD pain is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no let-up.

Does that bring it home to you?

It is a pain like no other. When people ask me to describe it to them the best I can do is say “Imagine you had RSD in your hand and arm. Empty the blood from your blood vessels in your hand and arm, then refill them with lighter fluid and light them on fire. Keep them lit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

Let that sink in for a moment.

“Now imagine no else can see the flames or will believe that you are in pain no matter what you say”.

That is what RSD feels like.

Whether we patients are walking for therapy, which I assure you is as painful as it is necessary, or doing things that remind us we are alive there is always a price to pay in extra pain directly afterwards, or even the next day or week.

RSD patients are cognizant of that every day. While the average person can sit there and tell us "Go ahead and enjoy the day, you can't let your pain control your life!" What they don't realize is that we are controlling our pain and not the other way around. We control our pain by controlling what we do.

What do I mean by doing things to remind us we are alive? When we spend a few hours tending the garden, spending time with our children, playing with our pets, going to a movie, grocery shopping, running errands, attending a family gathering, or even just going to church. Things that make us feel normal, if only for a few hours.

Unfortunately some people who see you during these "good times" believe that is how you are the entire day. What they don‘t see is the pain you experienced that night and/or the next day because of what you did. Nor do they take into account all the medications you took before or afterwards to be able to do those things nor the fact that you probably had to spend a great deal more time resting afterwards.

The same is true for patients who go to the computer to get support from others with RSD through cyberpals, listservs or websites. Many non-patients do not understand that it is the time we spend there that keeps us going each day . It informs us of new procedures or medications and educates not only ourselves but also our loved ones and sometimes even our Doctors about how to cope/treat RSD.

For most of us it is our lifeline, not our toy. The time we spend on the computer is absolutely necessary to our general well-being for it is there that we can talk with others who truly understand what we deal with every day and every minute.

Many of us have to sneak in a nap in the afternoon to rest our bodies, especially those of us who also struggle with Fibromyalgia. One of the problems this leads to is when our loved ones try to do something nice for us and plan a whole days activities. It is just too much for us. You have to change your whole way of thinking to include doing things in moderation. For many RSD patients that means scheduling things in the morning when we are at our strongest and our pain is at its lowest.

For others, it is much easier to do something in the late morning or early afternoon but typically by early evening we are done for the day. You also have to factor in your physical therapy and Doctor appointments as sometimes these things will wear us out for the entire day.

Another strange symptom that has to be factored in to our daily lives is that many are bothered by vibrations or noise, and for a small percentage, it can actually make the pain skyrocket! A simple ride in the car over a bumpy road can cause a spike in pain.

Due to the noise and vibrations causing me extra pain for instance, there are a lot of things I cannot do, places I cannot go, and again, I am just one example of many out there. These are places most people take for granted and may wonder why we are not there. They may think we are shutting ourselves off by not going, places like my Church, my Masonic Meetings, going out with friends, etc.

If there are a lot of people making noise for example, even if it is simply singing or clapping, it can cause our pain to spike. Visits have to be cut short sometimes due to all the typical regular noise generated or we have to go off to another room. Don't even start on things like thunderstorms, whew!

Imagine saying to your boss, "Sir, I have to go home, the thunder is causing me great pain and the strong wind blowing is hurting me as well." Oh yeah, they would love that. Sorry I can't come to your birthday party because there will be too many people having fun and enjoying themselves and making noise. Yeah, that makes sense, especially to my 10 year old niece. I can only imagine the restrictions parents with kids have to place on their children so as not to hurt their RSD limbs, after all kids will be kids.

I was lucky when I was a teen with RSD because, despite many a day spent wearing dark glasses due to the pain of the bright sunlight or the days when the pain of my RSD made the ordinary things extremely difficult, my friends were always there. So many teens I talk to on our Teen Corner aren’t as lucky. They have schoolmates who take pleasure in pushing them in the hallway to see them fall on their bad leg, or purposefully hit their RSD arm.

Why, even their own siblings hurt them or taunt them about their RSD, as if it is something they have a choice in. Who would choose RSD? Do they think if we just decide to smile it will go away? It would even be a little more understandable if it were just the kids. Unfortunately it isn’t, as many of you personally know.

I have heard so many stories from our teens with RSD/CP whose siblings, Aunts, Uncles, even parents, who tell them they need to "Just get over it, deal with it, move on already". Great advice from the uneducated and seemingly uncaring. Instead of saying things like that, why not read up on the disease, go to the websites like ours, see what the truth is regarding using the limbs, talk with the Doctor about it if you really care that much about their well-being. You don’t know how much it would mean to the patient if you took just an hour here and there to do that.

The bottom line here and the points I have tried to get across are that;

* When you suffer from chronic pain, you have to constantly think about how, whatever you are going to do that day, will affect your disease and your pain level.
* Being in chronic pain is a full-time job.
* One with no vacations, terrible benefits, and no way to quit.
* RSD is the most painful form of chronic pain that exists today.
* Chronic pain affects the entire family, not just the patient.
* Chronic pain is an invisible disability. Even other pain patients will sometimes forget that they cannot see YOUR pain and make assumptions based on what they can visibly see.
* A chronic pain patient may have a good hour or even many good hours a day where they can "appear normal" to everyone else but most don't realize the price that is paid before and after.
* The positive involvement of their loved ones means the world to the chronic pain patient.

I am still surprised at the number of fellow pain patients who forget that not everyone with RSD, and/or other forms of chronic pain, shows outward signs of it ALL the time so it is understandable when our loved ones forget. Never assume you know someone else's whole story at a glance.

Over the past three decades plus with this disease, I have spent a few years being stuck in bed unable to walk, I spent over a year being confined to a wheelchair and having to learn how to walk again. That was the second time in my life I have had to do that, despite being told by doctors that I may not ever be able to walk again. Good thing I am stubborn.

I remember one year where the only time I was able to leave my room was to go to physical therapy five days a week. I have spent many years having to use a cane to go even ten feet and despite this, I still have people who don't know anything about my past struggles, even some who are fellow RSD patients, email me and tell me I have no idea what it is like to be stuck in a chair or be unable to walk! That I don't have it as tough as they do.

I am blessed in that currently,(2005) I am doing better than many other years. That doesn't mean I am "cured". I take my 15 pills a day. I have to do my physical therapy every day. I have to walk every day. Nearly every afternoon is spent having to lie down because of exhaustion, partly due to the RSD and partly due to the Fibromyalgia, in combination with the medications. But I am not complaining. I have been much worse in my life and I never forget it for a minute.

But NEVER compare your pain to someone else's. It is a lose-lose situation. It hurts you both. Instead encourage one another and support your fellow pain patients! We all deal with pain in different ways and we all have different levels of tolerance.

Our medications, our therapies, and our friends are what get us through each day. The value of none of these things can be minimalized. Not just for the physiological changes that they bring to our body but for the psychological ones as well. That doesn't mean our lives end, they just change. And RSD/CRPS patients require tools to make those changes possible. Tools that include medication, various therapies, exercise, diet changes, and lots of familial support. You can be a positive part of it or you can be a hindrance, it is totally up to you.

Now some may view this as being obsessed with the disease, that we think of nothing else but our disease, our pain, that we are too focused on it and that is why we are so depressed, so sad, we hurt so much. Gee, you mean if I didn’t think about it so much I wouldn’t hurt so much? Hmm, let me give that a try. No, seriously, the fact is that for us, RSD/CP is a major part of our life. It has to be factored into every decision we make, if it isn't we will pay for it later, as will our loved ones.

My family and I often worry that our friends will get tired of our talking about CP too often. After all, not only have I had it for years but most of our family is involved in running this organization and getting the word out about this disease. Many times we have to force ourselves to take a break from RSD talk for a day.

But then we think it is no different than if we had cancer, MS, or MD, (which some of us have). People are just used to hearing those words more. Yes, we will lose friends along the way, that is inevitable But we will also gain some new wonderfully supportive friends and they will be amazing, true friends who will be in it for the long haul.

I cannot tell you all the incredible people from all over the world I have met in our journey, with whom I have become fast friends. Some I see often and some I see only at our National Conferences on Pain yet it is as if I saw them just yesterday; many I talk to only on-line and I know them best of all. These are amazing people who have overcome obstacles you wouldn’t believe and yet still come out on top. And you know what? They could care less that I have RSD.

So now that YOU know what it is all about ... which type of friend are you?

I hope this has helped you better understand a day in the life of an RSD/CRPS patient and that you didn't take it as a slap in the face or something hurled at you but as a teaching tool. Sometimes we have to be forced to confront things in our lives in a harsh manner in order to accept that they are real; both the patient and the loved one in the case of the chronic pain patient. Thanks for listening.

Peace, Keith Orsini
American RSDHope

On behalf of Chronic Pain patients everywhere, thank you for taking the time to read this.

It means a great deal to them that you would take the time to do this and just because they asked you to read this does not always mean they feel they have a problem with you necessarily, they just wanted you to have a better idea about what they have to deal with. They NEED you in their life; they WANT you beside them in this struggle. They know they can do it; they can beat this with YOUR help.
PS: For more information on Chronic Pain, please visit AMERICAN RSDHOPE.

Copyright March 2005-2008

Please feel free to share this article with others, we just ask that you respect and include the copyright and author information.

My friend Christa found this and thought she would be nice amd share it. I think everyone should see this, because even there is only a handful of people who suffer this compared to the world population, I think we need to give them our hands to help them keep going.

Hates being stuck at home

I love working. Some might think I'm sick, crazy, or weird for it. But I really do hate being at home. I have never been a fan of feeling like I have no real worth while existence in this world. It took me a while to deal with the idea of being on food stamps as not a "lazy person" is doing it but someone who is in a hard situation that may or may not be lazy. Too many years of it being instilled into me that not working is just a sign of laziness to just get over in one night. But the fact of the mater is sometimes even workaholics can't work.

Like right now. I'm sitting on my computer (in bed mind you) trying to deal with my foot issues from a recent fall. Yeah, I want to be at work. They practically had to force me to go home. I just feel like I'm not getting anything done while I'm sitting with my foot up.

I'm waiting for the ok from my doctor to go back to work. My foot finally feels better but the catch is now that the pain from my bruising is down and I can put weight on my foot without it screaming.. NOW my ankle is telling me it's got issues. I couldn't feel them before because my foot was so much more painful and there for I had to keep off it.

I'm hoping I can get the ok with a wrap or something for Monday because I'm really sick of sitting here not doing SOMETHING productive for the world.

LOLCat Wedding Vows (Too KUTE)

Lolcat Wedding Vows.

"O hai. We here before all dese ppl and Ceiling Cat sos cat 1 and cat 2
can has marriage.

cat 1 and cat 2, marriage iz commitment and all about luv, so if u marry
wifout thinkin hard about it, ur doin it wrong.

Anyone has visible reason they shud no marry? No? Gud.

cat 1 and cat 2, LOLCat Bible sez, "Luv is pashient an kind and stuff,
luv no has jelusy and no shows off. It not rude, it not say UR DOIN IT
WRONG. It no aligned wif basement cat but only ceiling cat. Luv
protectz, trusts in all teh stuff, hopes in all teh stuff, sticks wif u
in all teh stuff. FAIL? Not luv." Dis what luv shud be for u.

cat 1, what u here for? (cat 2's paw for marryin)

What u promis for cat 2? (I can has u, cat 2, for bein all wedded an
stuff. I can has, I can hold. We can has riches, we can has no riches,
we can has helf, we can has no helf, I still all luv u until ded.)

cat 2, what u here for? (cat 1's paw for marryin)

What u promis for cat 1? (I can has u, cat 1, for bein all wedded an
stuff. I can has, I can hold. We can has riches, we can has no riches,
we can has helf, we can has no helf, I still all luv u until ded.)

Marriage no jus two cats, it needz other cats for supports and luv.
Srsly, all u be there for them? (Yes.)

I can has bukkit wif rings?

Rings are all round, they has no end jus like your luv. cat 1, place
ring on cat 2's paw and say: I maed u a ring and I no pawn it. Wif this
ring, I are wedding u. cat 2, u do same and say: I maed u a ring and I
no pawn it. Wif this ring, I are wedding u.

U both now all married. Ceiling cat will now watch u kiss.

Here is cat 1 and cat 2 all married. Kthxbai."

Lolsome, no?

My babies!

Winston's surgery has to be done twice. So $850 - 1150 (deductible $250) each time.

Sadie's spay will be $250 - 379.

Expensive puppies but so worth it...

Letter submitted to "The Drs" show

Why is it that your site has 8 hits when it comes to searches but you haven't discussed CRPS aka RSD on your show? Doctors are not even acknowledging that this is even a valid condition because they have never heard of it. There are patients being treated like drug addicts after vehicular accidents because of request for pain meds because doctors refuse to believe this is a valid medical condition.

I am a believed "remission" case and am a founding member for a new support group for this disorder based out of Utah. The other founding member, Jen'a, is a 19 year old girl who suffers a very severe and fastly spreading case. My mother is in stage three (debated stage four) of this disorder. It is gruesome and real. And it's sad that this disorder is pushed under the rug like the ugly step daughter. Hypochondriacs exist, drug addicts exist, but why are these people being treated like sub human by medical physicians and the public eye places such as your show as unworthy of acknowledgement.

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/

Beginning of the poems

to speak what I know is blastphamey of the soul,
may the skies fall down if I betray the crown.

What I use

I use the front one for the side of the arch or outside of the side of the foot. but the specific locations like arch or ball of the foot I use the ball.

bizarre dream (yeah not bad)

So my dad calls me up to tell me of a project he was doing for John Deere.

It was an animatronic flying bird. But for some reason my dad was taken off the task so I was snuck in to keep someone in the family involved. once in turned out everyone on the team but my dad had been driven mad by the project. It was a BIRD! How it drove then mad can only be explained by the fact it was a dream.

Dream with a message

I dreamed I had been at a friends place, and a little boy had been playing in the water outside... after having an accident just like a younger boy he was crushed when his mother scolded him but the other boy everyone oohed and ahhed. I took him inside and got him cleaned up and reminded him that as we age, people ask and expect different things from us. Never give up because life is trials and errors.

As I left I dreamed I was having a hard time finding the exit and I ran into a young man angry at the preschool teacher for not listening. He said that he was there only for his brother and that was because the court ordered him to this school because they didn't want to listen to what he knew because he was different.

I listened on and the boy got frustrated and gave up. He was autistic. The brother gave up and was taking him home and no longer trying. I interrupted and offered my ear. The older brother, younger autistic brother, and I went outside and he took me to the site of a school they wanted him to attend. It was a private school (the one recently they refused the paying attendee because he was not what they wanted and "black") who rejected his brother because he was autistic and supposedly couldn't learn anyway.

I looked at his brother and told him what I had just told the boy. That as we age people ask and expect different things of us, but the fact is, just because our body is unable to do what they expect or allow us to express what we know, doesn't mean we don't know anything. Just means we have more challenges to over come. We can fight, as he was. Because knowledge is power. The younger brothers eyes lit up.

I looked at his brother and flatly said, if the school won't let you come to it, you make it what you want. He pointed out that economic downturn makes that hard. I looked into his eyes, and said, "Those who truly want to teach, will help. Even I would were I allowed to." The older boys eyes started to light up and then faded in sadness thinking it wouldn't happen. That is when I told him why.

"You desire for your brother to know. I will share with him what I know. But no world will allow me to do much more than that because what I know the government does not want to mandate people to know. I am a religion major who beleives that with understanding those ideals, those fundamental teachings and stories that create culture, our country could be a better place. But no U.S. government will ever mandate a class to be taught on education. For two reasons. Very few people believe their religion MIGHT be wrong. Second, VERY few people can teach things from a point of view of a believer or at least someone who has no opinion; almost everyone stands withing the first list."

I and two others outside the school stand up to offer his brother an education. Because home schooled is a beginning to something greater if you ca get enough teachers working as a unit, you have a school. Even if it has no roof.

Summary:

1. We all have a body, we all have a shell for the person inside. Sometimes that body doesn't work. Even if it doesn't want to work, DON'T GIVE UP! Just go around your body.
2. And not every student looks like the rest. A true school will help, will fight to help educate those who might not fit in like everyone else.
3. That no matter what our age, at some point we will do something we have done before and people will not be impressed. We are a society who always asks more. But the thing is we just have to be who we are inside and just let everyone else be happy with what we offer. Because to do anymore than what we can be is just not fair to us or them. (This does not mean that we shouldn't try to be better people, just we can't make everyone happy.)
   

Bad Dream Again

So yeah my friends am and vinnie are married. While I took Vinnie with me to watch this new vampire movie (that used three screens) I found out they split. Staying friends like I did with Leo for the kids all was good. Problem! Apparently she met a guy online and was in love with him. She described him, and with each description he sounded more and more familiar. Then she said his name was Brian... (ok lots of those) He lives in California... (still lots of those) He was in the guild with us. (Jaw drops) He's moving here to BE with her next month. (I just fight the urge to cry and except it was my choice to let go. And at least he's happy.)

SIGHS

Horrible Nightmare

Had this horrible nightmare my best friend cheated on her husband with the pool boy(how cliche right). problem was they were both government employees working on a case together and had to get over it quickly or a lot of kids were going to get hurt. (child trafficing job)

So I had to talk him out of his "I want to bang your best friend so I feel better(he'd never think this which is the BIGGEST reason I talked him out of it)."

It was really ugly because in the middle of that I kept cutting to a view of a house collapsing into the abyss where the kids were. then on top of that, I cut to a view of the informant being rushed to the hospital for a gange green that looked like a bubbling pot of green goo trapped within her skin from a toe infection.

I am GLAD I don't eat breakfast or I can promise you today I would skip!

Screwed up dream

I dreamed last night that anyone who persued me dating wise was killed by Leo. Which explained why only people far away like me...

The worst part was he turned the most recent girl into meat slushies and fed her too me while I was half awake.

Thing is, it wasn't a suitor. It was my ex's wife; he did it because she made me cry!

Just not sure (Matters of the Heart cont.)

When you look in the mirror, do you see you, or what you think is you? Everyone seems to think I'm this great person to be with and that I compliment them so well. But yet, I find myself disagreeing time and time again. Not because I don't think they would be happy with me. But more rather that their love for me is being confused for that of a paramour and not a true friend. 

Unlike most people, I find myself more and more having to stand up and saying what I think and putting my foot down because persons who claim to value my thoughts ignore everything I say. I appreciate those who ask my advise, but please, don't ask if you are not going to at least giving my thoughts some weight. There are a few who have listened and do put some weight to what I say, that I would much rather be talking and spending my advise on. 

Now, I'm not saying one day you won't do such things (either listen or not). But it comes down to the cruicial factor that I care about people. I care if they are happy. I'm in pain a LOT of my time and will be for a large part of my life. Being able to help someone, being able to make their life better, HELPS justify that pain and why I resolve to live. But each time a friend disregards my thoughts in entirety, that is one more defeat for these attempts I make to try and keep what little sanity and hope for a happy life. 

No, I don't expect people to listen to me all the time. No, not even most of it. But those who claim they care about me as a person... Desire my attention. Respect what you ask of me and what I say. Because eventually, I will stop saying anything at all.

But truely, my life goal is simple. Because life really is simple if you realize and accept it's impermanence but at the same time, how much power you have over your world. I just want to make one person, each day, every day until my heart ceases to beat, smile. There's too much negativity in this world. Too many people hurting. 

Ra finally cuddling with me willingly with Winston close by. Sorry it is a little blurry.

These are the two best pictures I can get with as furry and squirmy as he is. As I said he doesn't seem to notice the patch being bare but initially trying to look it looked much more severe.

I thought this was too cute. I left the room to get a heat pack warmed back up to deal with the intense swelling today. I came back around the corner to find Winston had shifted to be closer to Dylan as he slept.

Moron's Represent

I came up with a rap song called Moron's Represent.
Lyrics would talk about talking to my eyes and not my breasts. About education and learning to use English would make them wise but also able to communicate with others who might be visiting our country and would like to tak to intelligant human beings.
How god forbid, there is adult and mature reality that will hit them like a ton of bricks in 10 year, god being gracious they aren't hospitalized or in body bag by 30 thanks to all thanks to all that booze and drugs. If their kids haven't had to go up on their own with out their barbaric parents, hopefully they might be able to teach the next generation a thing or two and our society won't be a complete waste.
Not all rap music is bad, just too much is pointless.

Dad at the Mall (Craigslist post apparently)

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Winston doing what he does best

Winston slept through me getting up and going upstairs because he was too busy sleeping and protecting there guys.

It's a girl

Boss finally has his greatest desire! A wonderful lady & a little lady to boot.

This weekend

Three new pictures taken last night.

I have finally met a mermaid. My largest desire in life of the fantasy world has become complete.

Will be playing as a college grad fencing champion fighter tonight from 8 to 12. Just an FYI.

Matters of the heart

	B	R	G	M	A	S	L	T
Lies	yes	no	yes	unknown	no	no	no	no
Cares about me	yes	unknown	yes	yes	yes	yes	yes	yes
Works hard	yes	unknown	mostly	yes	yes	yes	yes	yes
Location	yes	yes	yes	no	no	no	no	yes
Educated	yes	yes	some	some	some	yes	yes	some
Joe	yes	unknown	yes	unknown	yes	unknown	yes	yes
Dependable	yes	unknown	some	unknown	yes	yes	yes	some
Age	no	no	no	yes	yes	yes	yes	no
Scared	yes	yes	no	no	no	no	no	no
Angry	yes	no	yes	no	yes	no	no	no
Alcohol	rarely	yes	rarely	rarely	yes	no	rarely	rarely
Drugs	no	unknown	past	no	no	no	no	no
Commitment	yes	unknown	yes	yes	yes	yes	yes	possible
Reasonable	yes	unknown	some	no	unknown	yes	some	some
Total: 25	19	9	15	10	17	20	21	19

This is meant to be vague and semi untranslatable for the sake of those who I am talking to. I do best to understand myself and situations by making tables to look over things that normally I wouldn't be able to make sense of.

I've decided to alter this a little bit so that the really important things for me are worth twice as much. Partially to help me clarify a little more between those who are on the top end of the list.